That chill tingling in the air, that dry wind stealing your breath, that sharp cold pricking your every pore can all only mean one thing: It’s Ugg season. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, they’re back, back with a fuzzy-abominable-snowman kind of fury, terrorizing our streets with tasteless, faux-fashion ugliness.
Whether worn with stockings, jeans, sweats, skirts, or, heaven forbid, leggings as pants, Ugg classic cardy invariably emphasize the things you least want to highlight. (Unless you’re deliberately going for the short-and-stocky look.) The thick shearling lining and shapeless leather exterior make even the most long and slender legs look stumpy and thick. So the boots will leave you looking like some kind of Nordic mountain gnome. Or a dwarf lost in the mines of Moria. Or Sasquatch’s color-coordinated younger sister. Or, really, any number of unpleasant mythical associations.
Now, I’m not against practical winter attire. In fact, as someone who dreads the cold months, I truly support any effort to bundle up and keep warm. That does not, however, include misappropriating a perfectly reasonable winter accessory in the name of a pathetic, played-out look. Having been engulfed by a well-past-its-shelf-life trend that has categorized them as a style statement rather than the functional accessory they were designed to be, all traces of Ugg boots’ intended purpose has been lost. In other words, the masses of mini-skirted young ladies who parade around in enormous sheepskin boots have ruined Uggs for anyone who’s just trying to keep their toes warm. Abolishing Uggs is about getting rid of fads, not function.
Case in point, the awkward beautification of Ugg boots—a contradiction if ever there was one. The name of the company makes no effort to hide its product’s unmistakable aesthetic. Trend-blinded hangers-on insist they wear the shoes because “they’re just comfortable,” and yet the boots are now sold in a range of attempted styles and shapes. Why are these boots manufactured in every shade of the pastel rainbow? Why are they sold in metallic and printed varieties? Why do some feature embroidered patterns emblazoned across backs and sides? And why in fuck’s name are there those weird little fuzzy popple balls dangling off the tops? Now that we’re in the umpteenth year of Uggs’ reign of terror, it’s only going to get worse—it’s high time we take a stand before it gets any uglier out there.
It’s unclear how these Australian eyesores became perceived as a kind of fashion item—and even more unclear how or when they became perceived as a flattering fashion item—but there’s no disputing the misconstrued ugliness. Wearing them is like advertising your own laziness, lack of self-aware confidence, and inattention to originality. As long as the co-ed hoards continue prancing around with ill-conceived Bigfoot stompers, I’ll remain content to just put on an extra pair of socks.
